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From July 9, 2019

I'm usually thinking about one of three things at any given time.

1) the days immediately surrounding Beau's death 2) what life would look like today if he were here and what he would be like/act like/love to do/be learning, etc, etc, etc.

3) the present and everything going on right now. It can be very challenging to focus on #3. I have strategies, one being a very detail oriented job that forces me to focus on the tasks at hand. But all of us who are grieving spend countless minutes per day in spaces #1 and #2. Sometimes simultaneously (it takes talent, but is doable). When it's the time of year when #1 took place, it's as if the body knows it, even if the mind tries not to think about it. July. July. July. The heat, the fireworks, the fresh cut grass, the sunscreen, the watermelon, the sun, the tank tops, the sandals and bare feet. Re

minders that July is hard. The scenes replay over and over and 5 years later it seems ridiculous that my mind still tries to go back to see if anything can be changed or done differently. I know from experience that this is what July feels like now and it's hard and it hurts and I can't change it and I can't hide from it and all I can do is feel the pain and sit with the scenes and the love and the sadness. This year I say: I love you, I love you, I love you over and over and pray he hears me as I tread through this long, hot, sunny month. Only 22 days to go.

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